Forgiving the Unforgivable: The Power of Making Peace

Betty Ferguson did what most of us probably couldn't do: She forgave her child's killer.

After 16-year-old Debbie's 1975 murder, Ferguson grew so despondent she drank herself to sleep every night, and neglected her other four children. Day after day, she cursed the killer: Ray Payne, Debbie's English teacher, who abducted the teen before taking her life. Payne's conviction and life sentence didn't ease Betty's pain -- nor did the absence of any clear motive for the horrific crime. "I was consumed by hatred," she says. And she suffered constantly with everything from headaches to back pain so harsh she could barely stand.

In 1981, at her sister's funeral, a line from the Lord's Prayer struck her: "Forgive those who trespass against us." She began to read books about forgiveness -- and began to feel it might be the answer. She visited Debbie's grave; the tombstone read "What the world needs now is love, sweet love." The refrain echoed in her head.

Soon, Ferguson was repeating the words "I am willing to forgive Ray" aloud like a mantra. And within months, she wrote to him: "I'm done being mad at you. Can I come and share my journey with you?"

In 1986 -- 11 years after the murder -- Ferguson visited Ray Payne in prison. "I told him what Debbie had meant to me and how lost and brokenhearted I'd been. He listened, and we both cried. I left a different person: My heart felt soft and light and warm."

For friends appalled by what she'd done, she had a ready answer. "Forgiveness is the greatest gift I ever gave myself -- and my children," says Ferguson, who now works as a mediator in a Pennsylvania program for violent-crime victims. "It's been an incredibly healing journey that's saved my life."

How to Find Peace

Focus on the facts of the offense.

Don't condone it, but try to understand what led to it.

Explore your true feelings about it. Try not to take it personally; you aren't the only one to ever get hurt.

Focus on the offender's humanity, not just his hurtful behavior.

Forgive for yourself, not anyone else. And forgive in your heart. You needn't tell the offender.